Joy in Birthing

Susan’s Birth

My doula, Giuditta, arrived at just the right moment. We needed her. The contractions were getting really strong and we were having a little bit of a hard time finding a position that would work for me. My doula got me to slow my breathing down during my contractions so that I could manage them better. We tried my sister’s hold for a few contractions. [Susan had helped her sister a year ago have

a natural, drug-free birth, and was very much attached to using the same position her sister had used. She wanted me and her husband to hold her by the rib cage, so that she could surrender all her weight onto us and go limp.] After a few times, my doula suggested that I try to lie down on the bed and relax. I was really worried about doing that. The contractions were intense enough that I just didn’t believe I would be able to survive that way, but my doula said I should give it a try. I needed to rest. I wasn’t sure. I felt scared. I was worried that the pain would be more intense if I was lying flat on my side, not able to move. But she said that I was going to exhaust myself by standing through the contractions. She encouraged me to try resting on the bed, and even napping a bit. I didn’t believe that it was even possible for me to be able to nap between contractions, but she was right. I lay down and relaxed every muscle in my body that I could. This slowed down how quickly the contractions were coming. I actually dozed off quite a few times between each contraction.

Ken was behind me on the bed, touching my back, falling asleep with me and then waking up to breathe with me when a contraction gathered. This felt great. Giuditta sat in a chair in front of me and talked to me, calming me and getting me to focus when a contraction would come. The contractions were really strong. Really strong. I have never felt something like this before. I lay there, limp and loose, and told myself that I could do this. That I could be limp and loose. That I was opening inside, opening forour baby to come. As the contractions became really strong, my doula would grab my hand and tell me to focus on it, and she’d breathe with me and Ken. At some point, I felt my entire body shaking. Giuditta asked me if I felt the baby moving. Indeed, I could feel the baby’s movement. I felt relieved because then I knew she was OK. I could actually feel her moving down, dropping further into my pelvis.

When I began feeling some rectal discomfort, I knew it was time to go to the hospital. I got concerned about how I would manage the change. Right after a contraction, I got up and walked downstairs to the backseat of Ken’s car. Luckily, once again, I made it to lying down without having a contraction. The surges were super strong and intense at this point. I couldn’t believe that they could get more intense, but they did! The ride to the hospital was hard, but not impossible. We must have started driving around 11:30 p.m. because I know we arrived around midnight. On the way, I prayed, “Let go, let go, let go.”

Giuditta whispered, “Let God, let God, let God.” I walked into the emergency room entrance. I was really beside myself. I wasn’t really there. I hung onto my doula while she talked to people. I didn’t look at anyone or anything. It wasn’t that I was upset or anything, I literally just had the focus on one thing: what was happening inside of me. The tremendous earthquakes shaking my core. Moving my center. It took all my focus. I heard everything that was going on around me, but my sight went. I didn’t really take in the hospital. I had been worried about the clinical atmosphere of the hospital. I shouldn’t have been. I was consumed by my internal world. Nothing exterior made a dent on my inner events. There was all this commotion about my getting into a wheelchair. I had been warned about this. There was no way I was going to sit down. I guess I was being really loud about my contractions and moaning a lot.

The way we managed the contractions all the way through was to be very vocal. Sometimes, Ken and I would say yes, yes, yes, sometimes ahhhhhh, ahhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhh. My doula would always try to get me to extend the sound, make it a real release and use it to calm down.

When contractions would come, they consumed my very being and the world outside stopped, except for my hearing. I could hear most everything. I responded to people talking to me. Though I couldn’t focus and see in a regular way, I could hear them. We made it upstairs and into the triage, and I begged to be allowed to lie down. I quickly pulled off my underwear and pants and just dropped them on the floor and climbed on the bed. The contractions were even more intense since we’d had all that activity. Giuditta reminded me of that. She added that they should settle down again as I rested. I lay on my left side. They put monitors on me and I was happy and relieved to hear the baby’s strong, healthy heartbeat. We kept moaning through my contractions.

The nurse wanted to check how dilated I was. I was scared that after all we had gone through, I would only be at five centimeters and then I knew I’d be a goner. I’d have to get medication. I just couldn’t hack another five hours like this. The nurse said I was eight centimeters! Amazing. They told me I was going to be given a delivery room. Those last contractions were the most intense of all. Giuditta and Ken kept telling me I could do it. I wasn’t so sure anymore. I’ve never felt anything like that. All I know is labor is the most intense experience I have ever had, the most intense physically and emotionally. I wish I could describe what it felt like. I certainly had to cry out. I couldn’t be quiet. I could stay pretty much limp and loose, minus the shaking, which actually relieved the intensity of the contractions somehow. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh. I did it. I did it every time. I was out of my head, out of my body. The nurse checked me again and said I was nearly fully dilated, I just had a little lip on one side around the baby’s head. I pushed a bit and she checked again and I was fully dilated. As the doctor had not yet arrived, my doula asked the nurse if the midwife was there. She was. She came in a moment. They prepared me to push, telling me what I’d need to do. I had never worked so hard in my life. It felt like I was trying to move a mountain. The spaces between were such sweet relief.

Giuditta kept telling me to enjoy the peace between each contraction. That really helped me sink into them. Enjoy them. Relish them. That helped me focus on the downtime rather than what was coming next. We would wait quietly. I would go limp and loose. I would feel very relaxed. I was told at one point they even heard me snore in between pushes. I would feel a contraction building. We would start. Each time I felt disappointed that she hadn’t come out yet, everyone would encourage me to stay in the moment. Twice, my doula took my hand down to feel the baby’s head. The first time, I could feel her head a few inches back in my vagina. The second time was when she was crowning. It felt so strange, all that pressure down there. The ring of fire, I guess it’s called. It felt like the ring of intense pressure. So full, so tight, so taut, so needing to come out of me. I think I got her out in less than twenty minutes. It was such a relief to get her out. She was put right on my chest. I heard them talking about Ken cutting the cord. I was blitzed out of my mind and so relieved. I’m very proud of myself now. It was such an intense experience. Slowly, it has sunk in that we are now three. That my belly is empty of baby. That what I did was a fabulous, wonderful thing to be proud of. We got the lucky sevens. Birth date: 7/7/07. In Delivery Room 7. And she was 7 pounds, 7 ounces! The one thing that helped me most throughout the entire labor and delivery was my affirmation: “Thank you, God, for helping me feel worthy and capable of making important decisions.” I kept repeating it to myself over and over again, I guess until I truly believed it.”