Excerpt from Painless Childbirth: An Empowering Journey Through Pregnancy and Birth

When a person is angry, hungry, sick or tired, he or she is more likely to indulge in behaviors they will later regret. Extra vigilance is required of us, when we’re in any of these states. How many times have you found yourself saying, “I can’t believe I said that, did that, or behaved that way”? If you look back at those unfortunate moments, you’ll invariably find that what you regret is something you did while “under the influence” of one of these states.

When we experience anger, hunger, sickness or tiredness our adult-mature conscious self is weakened and our unconscious steps forward. The unconscious mind is childish, immature and juvenile, as it is the product of beliefs, attitudes and behaviors that were created when we were little. As children, we learned to act — in order to survive, to be loved, liked and accepted. If you recall a specific undesirable action from your past, often words such as immature, irresponsible or childish come to mind. By using the nine months of pregnancy as a wonderful opportunity for self understanding we can discover our own automatic responses and bring them to the light of consciousness.

In talking to clients, I realize that almost all of these conditions happen during labor.

Then, the intensity of the contractions can lead to feeling overwhelmed, and that may produce anger.

You may experience hunger if you go to the hospital, where laboring women are not allowed to eat.

You might have the impression that you’re sick, given the intensity of the waves, on top of their unfamiliarity.

Of course you’ll be tired: labor is a lot of work!

Taken together, these conditions are likely to prevent your recognition of what is really happening: you are having a baby. This shutdown can trigger the unconscious, so that you find yourself reacting with panic, tension and stress to the normal course of birthing. No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much you have visualized your desired outcome, susceptibility grows under the intensity of the contractions. You can prepare yourself for these untoward moments by learning more — about yourself, your reactions and behaviors in crises — as you begin to practice self-care and self-realization.

Anger

Anger happens when we think that things are not going our way; when we think that our needs and desires are not being met. When we worry about what others think of us, or about what God is giving us that we think we cannot handle, some of us get angry directly at God. In anger, we think that God is punishing us for something we have done, or not done, or that God is withdrawing his/her help: that he/she does not care about us.

When angry our body tightens, our muscles contract, and some of us begin trembling. In short, these physical manifestations of anger prevent us from relaxing and having a painless childbirth. So let’s look at our reactions when we are angry: where do they come from? When we lash out in anger our reactions almost always come from fear. We fear we might not have made the right decision, so when someone is resistant we fly into anger and try to convince them they are wrong. Afraid of abandonment, we scream at a lover when we imagine the faintest possibility that he will leave us. Fearing that we are not good enough, we read into our boss’s or coworker’s words what we fear they truly think of us. This fear of what others think of us leads us to resent the folks at work: a resentment that grows out of our own negative self-concept. We fear that our own choices are not right and thus anyone who contradicts us reminds us of our own doubt. Small wonder that this circle leads us to fear losing control over the situation.

While anger is sometimes justified, the intensity of our feelings is proportional to our fear of what others think of us, or to our need to be right. For example, I often tell those clients who have chosen a hospital birth that they need not explain their birthing preferences to the nurses such as having an Heplock versus an I.V. – or wanting to hold the baby on their chest as soon as he/she is born. All they have to do is present their birth plan, signed by the doctor, and remind the nurse of their preferences as they get checked in. So to an insistent nurse who wants to place an I.V. on a laboring woman because ‘it is the hospital procedure’, I suggest my client simply say “No, thank you.” There is no need to explain why, no need to get angry at the nurse, who is only doing her job as she is used to doing it. There is no need to bring the nurse up-to-speed on the several reasons why a laboring woman should not have an I.V.

To interrupt these negative, established patterns of self-defeating behavior and retrain ourselves to see life more in the moment, it is important to identify the roots of our fears, as well as those agreements we have made with ourselves about how to behave in moments of distress. First we review all of our decisions and choices about the birthing experience we desire. We look to see which ones are not so firm, and which do not have our entire self-confidence behind them. For instance, I had a client, let’s call her Carmen, who found herself walking on the beach one day, contemplating whether to have a home birth or a hospital birth. Our paths crossed while I was on the telephone with a colleague, recounting a recent birthing experience. Hearing my telephone conversation, Carmen approached me. “Excuse me,” she said, “I could not help but hear that you are somehow involved in the birthing industry. Are you a midwife?” I gave the condensed version of what I do and she said, “I cannot believe the coincidence! Here I am, asking God to send me a sign so that I can make up my mind about home or hospital birth, and as soon as I finished my request I meet you!”

We talked at length about the pros and cons of both experiences. I asked her to go inside and ask herself which one made her feel more comfortable and happy. She decided that she wanted a homebirth so I suggested a few midwives she could interview. Once the midwife was chosen, Carmen wanted hypnotherapy, to rid herself of the fear that often attacked her; it was foreseeable that that fear would cause her to question her homebirth decision. During the hypnosis sessions we discovered that a series of grave events, perpetrated either by a controlling mother or by an adult molester, had lead Carmen, as a little girl, to conclude that she did not deserve to have her desires fulfilled. Having heard, “You don’t know what you are doing!” often, she totally embraced that belief. Asked how that belief manifests itself in the decisions she makes on a daily basis, she responded that she constantly questioned her own judgment. Indeed, she would have long exhausting fights with herself about every single ‘important’ decision.

To heal such a core belief, we did two things. First I made her write down the very first time she had felt incapable of making good decisions. Then I asked her to remember the feeling she felt at that very moment. Following that, she wrote down how those feelings are reflected in her life today. Lastly I asked her to look inside and state what the higher truth about herself was. From that writing she discovered that the initial feeling was helplessness and that she felt she did not deserve to be happy. Her higher truth was: “I am capable of making decisions about my wellbeing and I deserve to be happy.”

We used that as a daily affirmation, one that she would tell herself every morning and every evening before going to sleep. Then we proceeded with the next part of the healing process. Before we began this delicate phase of the healing process, I wanted to make sure there was a clear understanding. Carmen had worked for many years with a professional psychologist on this issue; she felt she was ready to work with me on it, and knew how to go back and relive the incident from a witness point of view. I do not recommend you do this alone if the memory is violent or has been a truly traumatic event. But if you have worked on it with a professional and feel confident you can handle it, this process is for you. The best practice is to enlist a professional to help you on your journey.

Via hypnosis we went back to that very moment when she had felt for the first time that she was helpless. In her case it was when the molestation began. We brought the adult Carmen into the picture. The adult stood between Little Carmen and the perpetrator and demanded he stop what he was doing and never do it again. I allowed her to find her own words to confront him and I coached her to tell him what she wanted to tell him without anger, in a firm and resolute voice. I told her not to explain too much to him, but to state her desires in a sentence as short as possible. I also suggested she listen for any response he might have. Surprisingly, he had quite a few, to each of which she repeated her statements — until he disappeared.

Then I asked her to turn around and face her little self. Adult Carmen went down on her knees and told her Little self that she would be with her from now on and that she would protect her from everyone and everybody. She also asked for a hug and promised never to abandon her Little Carmen. Still under hypnosis, we came back to the present time, and she visualized her fears of the homebirth as lit candles were placed before her. We then asked Little Carmen to run up to the candles and blow them out. Tears were streaming down her face: the healing had begun.

Hungry

Historically, women have always been advised to eat and drink during labor as long as they could and were able to do so.

So what is the thought behind not eating in labor?

Well, simply put the concern was in case you had to be put under general anesthesia. The fear was that if you vomited you could maybe potentially aspirate food into your lungs.

The facts are:

1) This level of risk is minimal and even more so since – even if you need a c-section – general anesthesia are no longer favored. Most women would receive an epidural instead.

2) Anesthesiologists are well trained and know how to avoid such an incident from occurring.

3) This line of thinking is faulty from the start since your stomach is never truly empty as it always contains gastric juices.

4) Prolonged fasting increases the amount of hydrochloric acid in your stomach which can in turn increase the complications with aspiration.

5) We would not call “good science” to make recommendations on only one study done 60 years ago.

My suggestion is to eat a good, hearty meal at the onset of your labor. Following that up with small meals throughout, such as avocados, tomatoes, lettuce, tahini, apples, nuts, energy bars and protein drinks keeps the laboring mother’s blood sugar at a healthy level. At the hospital, sneak in the food if you have to, or discuss this issue with your care provider beforehand. Nowadays, many nurses and doctors will actually allow you to eat during labor, even at the hospital, as long as they “do not know about it”!

Sick

Of course you are not sick; you are having a baby! The experience, while intense, is not unnatural. Sickness is what happens when pain does not go away, when you don’t know why you are in pain, and when you know that something unnatural and terribly wrong is going on.

During labor, two things often happen. To begin with, you experience strong sensations, or contractions, that are very unfamiliar. Their intensity resembles something you’ve previously experienced only when sick. Secondly, your unconscious “knows” that one goes to the hospital when there is something seriously wrong. Often, in the midst of active labor, clients give me a look that says “What’s wrong with me? This is intense!” That is when I remind them that this is what it feels like when the baby is working hard to come into this world. Then I encourage them to concentrate on the time between contractions.

Managing the waves of contractions one minute at a time, and focusing on the time in between, when you experience the absence of painful sensations, is the key to fighting this feeling of dis-ease. Prepare yourself to stay in the moment; do not anticipate the next contraction; manage one at a time and revel in the time in between. Illness does not permit such breaks! If you are birthing at home, keep reminding yourself that you are having a baby by visiting the nursery, looking at your baby’s clothes and fantasizing about holding your baby in your arms. Often I suggest that mom (in her daily conversations with the baby) asks her unborn child what their favorite color is and whether they want any special object, drink or food during their exit. Often this will become a great reminder to the mother that the baby is working as hard as she is in this process; meanwhile, she becomes the adult, telling him that together they can do it.

If you are going to a hospital make sure you walk yourself to the labor and delivery ward. Decline, firmly but gently, the wheelchairs offered and, if you can, decline the hospital gown. Instead, use a loose t-shirt or night gown that you can easily raise above your belly and that allows for easy access to your breasts. A hospital gown can be interpreted by your unconscious as proof that you have become a patient, as opposed to being a client who has chosen to avail herself of the hospital’s birthing facility. Once in the room, make sure you have someone lower the lights and put some soothing music on. Tell the staff that you want to walk and move around as much as possible, as long as everything is ok. The staff will want to check the baby’s heart beat, but all you really need is occasional monitoring, to appease their fears. Make sure that you can take a bath or a shower, as you would at home: the gentle rolling of the water on your belly or back will definitely help you relax.

Tired

Babies simply love to begin their journey at night. In fact they often choose to descend in the middle of the night, waking mom up and making it difficult for her to go back to sleep. At night you are finally totally relaxed; no wonder that the body figures, “This is a good time to start working.” And so labor starts! Relaxation, total relaxation is the sure way to a gentler, painless childbirth. Alas, when we feel an intense sensation our body goes into “Fight or Flight” mode and we tense our entire body: every muscle in it. This tension prevents the uterus from having the space it needs to gently contract and, as I call it, “Hug your baby all the way out!”

Since labor so often starts in the middle of the night, it is imperative that you discuss ways you can relax with your care provider. What I mean by that is: ask his/her opinion as far as your having, say, a single glass of wine at the onset of labor. You should not have had any for nine months, so one single glass at this point will do the job without negative side effects. I know: in this culture the mention of wine for a pregnant woman is considered sacrilegious. Why it is ok to go to the hospital and have an opiate injected directly into your spine during labor, while alcohol is taboo, I’ll leave you to evaluate. Other ways to relax and go back to sleep include: a soothing massage, a self-hypnosis tape, a boring book on a CD (that often works for me,) a warm bath, a cup of hot milk and honey, one benadryl (often given to pregnant women to control itching, and known to cause drowsiness). In other words, be prepared with a bag of tricks to help you go back to sleep. If you cannot go back to sleep, then you might as well go on a walk — not by yourself and make it in a very safe place; get on the treadmill; make yourself a significant night snack (in Italy we call it ‘spaghetti a mezzanotte, ‘midnight spaghetti,’); or turn the music on and dance. But do commit to taking a nap during the day or before you leave for the hospital, if that is where you are going.

There are four main activities I suggest my clients rotate during labor: rest, eat and drink, walk and take a bath or a shower. And of course, call your doula to let her know that you are in labor, so she can get prepared.

Through observing the reactions you commonly have when you are angry, hungry, sick, or tired, you can learn to recognize and then to manage these states, and better prepare for labor and delivery.