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Excerpt from Painless Childbirth: An Empowering Journey Through Pregnancy and Birth
Many of our actions are born from feelings. Whether the feelings come from our conscious or subconscious mind, they lead us to take action. When we feel unsafe, we choose actions that are protective, limited, cautious, and non-expansive. When we feel confident, we stretch ourselves to reach goals that others might think are impossible. In order to become conscious of our feelings to manage our reactions, we need to discover where they come from.
For many years, medical scientists defined a baby as physical matter, especially brain matter, which had no ability to register or process memory, learning, trauma, emotion, or any truly human experiences until months after birth. In 1980, a study on prenatal stimulation was conducted in Caracas, Venezuela under the direction of psychologist Beatriz Manrique.[1] The results stirred interest in the psychology community. Six hundred families, divided into experimental and control groups, were involved in a project that tested the babies for six years following their prenatal program. These studies have proven what few believed prior to 1980: (1) that babies in the womb are alert, aware, and attentive to activities involving voice, touch, and music; (2) that babies benefit from these activities by forming stronger relationships with their parents and their parents with them, making for better attachments and better birthing experiences, and (3) that these babies tend to show precocious development of speech, fine and gross motor performance, better emotional self-regulation, and better cognitive processing.[2]
If babies are aware and alert while in the womb, then our emotions can create an environment which can be perceived as pleasant and supportive of learning, or unpleasant, suppressant, and geared to protect the status quo. Once aware of their influences on the unborn babies, many of my clients are in fear of any strong negative emotion. They feel the pressure to be happy and serene and become almost paralyzed by it, afraid of doing something wrong, and often angry at those who take their apparent serenity away. It’s better to realize that we are here to teach our children how we deal with whatever comes up in life, not to shield them completely. As a mother, it is your responsibility to teach your child how to resolve situations, not evade them.
People facing the same situation can have diametrically different emotions. There are two basic feelings¾good and bad¾and two ways to confront and assimilate what happens in our lives. When a conflict arises and we feel bad, we can either learn from it, bettering ourselves and our lives, or we can consider it a challenge and perpetuate the conflict by reacting to protect ourselves, and by attempting to preserve what we believe to be right. In so doing, we forfeit the chance to grow and learn.
As a parent, your responsibility is to teach your child by example. Therefore, you have to learn how to express and share your feelings so that you may teach your baby to do the same safely.
Dina’s story
Dina came to see me because she could not stop raging at her mother every time they discussed her desire to have a homebirth. Angry, lost, and depressed, Dina would isolate herself, which made things much worse. While she felt confident that her decision was a good one, she knew her reactions to any criticism were exaggerated. She kept telling me, “I hate it when people tell me I’m wrong. It feels like a kettle inside my stomach is about to burst!”
I suggested that she close her eyes and recall the emotions she felt whenever her mother recommended anything about her pregnancy. Once deeply settled into those feelings, I guided her through the following Feelings Inventory Exercise.
1. When was the very first time you felt this feeling? Go back as far as you can remember, and describe in detail what happened and how old you were.
Dina recalled that she had had a learning disability as a child. One of her earliest memories, before anyone realized she was dyslexic, was of her fifth grade teacher telling her that she did not work hard enough. She was labeled as lazy and sent home with a note to this effect. Her mom punished Dina for being a lazy girl who would not amount to anything unless she worked harder.
2. How did you feel as a result of what happened?
She responded that her world had fallen apart. She felt alone and unlovable. She worked hard to show everyone that she was not lazy, yet no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t excel. It took years for her parents to realize that she had a learning disability and, by that time, Dina had resolved not to trust anyone.
3. What did you come to believe about yourself as a result of this event and these feelings?
Dina felt her mother did not love her, since she would not believe her. The grownups were all telling her she was lazy, but knowing she wasn’t, Dina concluded that she must be stupid or slow. It was surprising to the adult woman now in my office to uncover that she had such a low self-esteem. She truly thought she had a higher opinion of herself. When I asked Dina the question above, she revealed that she’d come to believe, “I am stupid, slow. I am unworthy and unlovable.”
When we go into labor, the unconscious mind takes over and we often revert to feelings and behaviors that come from our child-self. This has been depicted in several movies in the form of a perfectly sweet woman who, in labor, turns into a raging monster as she insults her husband and appears unmanageable. While this depiction of women is only intended to make you laugh, there is an important message we can extract from these scenes. If we don’t heal the unconscious mind, it might show up and rule the outcome of our birthing experience.
4. Now, look at the present. How do those old beliefs color your life today?
Dina began to see how even today, she is overly cautious about everything and everyone. She was known to rant and rave at work if asked to clarify the smallest matter, or whenever anyone dared to hint that she might be wrong about anything. She chose to be a saleswoman because she simply could not work in an office. Her boss only retained her despite her temper because she made good money for the company. Dina had married late, as it was very difficult for her to trust any man that came into her life and to trust that her marriage would last.
5. Finally, consider this: How would a loving person truly describe you? How would your Higher Power want to hear you portray yourself?
When it came to answering this question, tears began streaming down Dina’s cheeks. She realized that while she had been hard on others, she had been especially hard on herself. The person she trusted least was herself. Feeling constantly attacked and needing always to protect herself, she restored to isolating. This exercise had shed some light into her darkness. I suggested she come up with an affirmation to recite every morning and night, and especially every time she felt that “kettle” inside her gut about to burst.
Dina’s affirmation was, “I am lovable and intelligent. I am a good and capable mother. I am safe. I trust in my innate ability to know what is right for me and my child.”
When we met the following week, things had gotten a bit better. Dina told me that she now felt she knew why she was getting so mad, and that often she’d just close her eyes and repeat the affirmation to cool down. She had also had a long and heartfelt conversation with her mother about what had happened and why she was still reacting this way. Dina laughed because during the conversation with her mom, she had to repeat the affirmation to herself, at least ten times. She had been able to go through an entire exchange with her mom without having a big fight. The healing had begun.
How you feel about me is none of my business
We often enter into conflict to protect ourselves. Most people’s feelings are aligned with their need to be right and to be understood. We feel bad about criticisms only when we believe them to be true. If someone called you an eggplant, you would laugh it off or call them insane. But if they said you were fat or stupid or unlovable, that may strike a deep cord. If deep inside you agree with the criticism you’ll become defensive, angry and lash out at the person who has offered it. Thus, we do not react solely to the words, but also to an old core belief about ourselves that the words evoke. When you agree with the critical assessment, it will hurt you, if you don’t you will be able to dismiss it and even look at the person that has express it with compassion. Lashing out and insulting someone is a defense mechanism. When you hear a particular criticism that resonates, deal with the pain by considering it a signal to humbly look within and see what truth may lie there. You might not agree with what you’re hearing, but attend to the message rather than focusing on the messenger. If the universe is repeatedly sending the same theme through different people, pay attention. Stay open and learn from each situation. The ultimate act of love and courage is self-examination. To engage in conflict with others requires far less strength of character.
[1] Early Parenting is Prenatal Parenting! By David Chamberlain, Editor, www.birthpsychology.com
[2] ibid
