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Excerpt from Painless Childbirth: An Empowering Journey Through Pregnancy and Birth
When we pay attention to the messages of our dreams, we can open a window into our unconscious mind and identify the lessons we need to learn and the fears we need to remove before we birth our baby. One morning, following yet another disturbing dream, I wrote: non ti vergognare sei meravigliosa! (Don’t feel ashamed. You are marvelous!) For years, I have suffered from what I used to call nightmares. When everything was going well on the outside, I’d go to sleep and a very painful dream would assail me. My dreams were often staged at an old job where a boss was trying to shame me in front of a lot of people. I used to wake up in tears. At times, the feeling or state I experienced in the dream stayed with me for a whole day. To heal and learn what my unconscious mind was begging me to realize, I began to keep a dream journal. I concentrated on the feelings I experienced, not the images of the dream. I zeroed in on the strong feeling I felt—shame, and using the Feeling Inventory Exercise [i] I found out where the shame had originated from. While growing up phrases evoking shame were often repeated to me not only by my primary caretakers but by the nuns I spent eleven years with. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” was their favorite reprimand. Determined to heal my dreams, I called a hypnotherapist friend and revisited a very important chapter of my life in the nun’s convent.
I WANT TO BE THE MADONNA, a personal story
Traditionally the first graders at my school, the Institute of the Sacred Heart, in Torino Italy, are responsible for the Nativity play on Christmas which marks the official rite of passage from babyhood to student. In this all-girl school, the most sought-out role is the Madonna, followed by the role of the singing winged angels, whose halos glows against the starry backdrop. No one wants to be dressed like a boy to play Joseph, nor one of the magi. Even baby Jesus, though the hero, is still a baby, thus not an appealing part. The audition begins on the fourth week of school. I am five years old and this is my first chance to show my friends how special I really am.
In preparation, I spend hours in front of the mirror, conjuring up the perfect seraphic expression I imagine belonging to the mother of Jesus: eye positioned low and humble; body posture, slightly proud, yet respectful; hands conjoined, azure veil pinned below the chin (borrowed from mom’s drawer), head tilted slightly to the left; shoulders gently turned downward in supplication; feet together toes pointed. Lined up back stage with my classmates, I wait for my turn. I have rehearsed my entrance and walk with grace and deliberation. I take my place next to Joseph and speak my first line, “Benvenuti[2]. ”
Sister Maria Blandina, is distracted by some papers, and does not notice me right away. She is my first grade teacher, a nun with thick blond-rimmed glasses, ghostly skin and a rebellious white curl peaking out of the white linen cloth that conceals her hair. As she hears my voice, she jolt in her seat and barks,
“Tornetta, what are you doing there? Do you think Mother Mary would have your nasal voice? How dare you?”
I try to say something, but nothing comes up.
“Don’t waste my time; you can’t possibly think you can be the Madonna.”
She turns and smiles to her accomplice, the nun at the piano. My throat closes down, the air trapped, my legs paralyzed. All I can do is stare into her eyes, lips parted, chin quivering. Her words have penetrated my chest, holding and squeezing my heart. I can hear the faint, far away sound of my classmates laughing at me. An assistant nun approaches and escorts me off stage. The seed of shame sprouts in my five-year-old heart.
The story continues[ii], but this is enough to show you that something that happened literally forty plus years ago was still hunting me today.
The shame I experienced as a child entrenched itself deeply in my subconscious. Those recurring nightmares were simply a way my unconscious was trying to communicate to me the need to work on releasing old beliefs. So now that I knew where my nightmares came from I needed a tool to help me heal from them. I could not simply will them away, I had plenty of tools for behavior modification in my wakeful and conscious state, but I felt helpless when it came to dreams I had absolutely no control over. How was I going to forgive the nun that hurt me so deeply? After all, I could forgive my parents by diving into the love I felt for them, but there was not much love when it came to those who had emotionally scarred me.
I had no idea why this particular nun had been so harsh on me, through hypnotherapy I went back to that audition with my adult-self. I sat down near that nun, realizing I needed to be careful not to insult her or take revenge on her, for that would not have yielded the kind of healing I was after. In my recollection, I took a seat next to her and put my arms around her, that was so very difficult because all my anger, frustration and hatred was making my arms shake uncontrollably. I didn’t want to touch her, let alone hug her, but if wanted to change what happened I had to change my feelings towards her first. Just before she was about to pronounce her verdict on my appearance on the stage, I whispered in her ears, “Wait, hold on to your words and think about them. What you are about to say will hurt this little girl (me) for years; I know you don’t want to do that.” In my vision, she looked at me in puzzlement and said, “I didn’t know.” Indeed, she must not have really thought of the dire consequences of her actions. She herself must have had such a hurt soul to behave that way with little children. I saw her under a new light and realized that having little, challenging Giuditta in her class must not have been that easy. Maybe I reminded her of someone who had injured her, or maybe she envied my free spirit. Whatever the reason, I was able to look into this nun’s eyes and see her pain. I simply let go of the years of shame I felt as a result of that first incident that marked the beginning of a war I fought with this nun for five long years. I shed many tears for the hurt I had felt and carried for decades, and as I cried, I felt the weight of the old shame lifted. I took responsibility for hanging on to that particular episode and embraced the circumstances that had created such an event.
During pregnancy many women have very vivid dreams. Whether good or challenging, you must pay attention to them. As creators of another human life our sense of intuition is extremely heightened. I had a client who dreamed she was going to have a little girl, even before she conceived and my son came to me in a dream in the early days of my pregnancy to tell me his name.
When you hear of the prophetic quality of dreams, you may be afraid of what your dreams are prophesying for the future. Have no fear, for dreams are loving teachers that can either reward you with prophecy or get your attention with a nightmare, but will never punish you. In this time leading up to the birthing event, keep a dream journal on your bedside and jot down the feelings you have experienced throughout the night. If you encounter strong feelings of fear, terror, shame, loss, or rejection, use the Feeling Inventory Exercise find out their origin and try to go back and heal them. If the feelings that come up or the memories are very difficult I urge you to seek a professional who can help you navigate through them. Many moms worry that pregnancy is not the right time to work on their past, but I strongly believe that it is for this is a great opportunity to heal the past and let it go making room for your new life as a mother. In the mean time as you heal your past you also show you baby growing inside your belly the tools she/he can use in the future in his/her own life., and you show them that self-care is one of the most important tools to live a conscious life.
For the schedule of a workshop by Giuditta Tornetta follow this link
[1] A person from the south, specifically from Sicily or Sardinia.
[2] Welcome.
[3] Giuditta speaks through her nose
[4] What’s the matter darling?
[i] Chapter 2 dedicated to feelings – second chakra, in Painless Childbirth
[ii] Chapter 8 – eight chakra in Painless Childbirth
Painless Childbirth is a Scientific Reality *
A study conducted by CL Pasero and R Britt (August 1998). Managing Pain During Labor, published in the American Journal of Nursing 98:10-11, reports that indeed a painless childbirth is a reality for as many as 45,000 WOMEN EACH YEAR IN AMERICA. One of the universal laws states: if one person can do it, it can be done by others.
Millions of women all over the world experience a natural, drug-free, and painless childbirth. You can too. If you would like to join this growing number, this is what you have to do. Find out more
